EMOTIONS IN COUPLES

Section “PSYCHOLOGY OF EMOTIONS” by Diego Ingrassia – “EMOTIONS IN COUPLES”
for CONTEMPORARY PSYCHOLOGY – Change – n. 259, January-February 2017 – GIUNTI EDITORE

Non-verbal language has the same influence as verbal language.
Beyond words, in fact, there is a hidden world to which it is important to pay close attention.
We know how every facial expression, gesture, posture or tone of voice acts as a stimulus for our interlocutor, and vice versa.
Those around us pick up on these signals that ‘speak about us’ and can either choose to continue the conversation or abandon it.
This is particularly the case when we are dealing with a relationship.
The non-verbal way of transferring feelings plays an important role in our most intimate relationships. The data speak for themselves.
Based on the studies of psychologist Paul Ekman, John Gottman of the University of Washington and Robert Levenson of the University of Berkeley carried out four years of research: a survey of a sample of couples to find out which verbal and non-verbal behaviours characterised them most frequently, and which of these were related to emotional well-being or predictive of the eventual end of the relationship.
Careful reading of the statistical data revealed that married couples who displayed facial micro-expressions of contempt and disgust towards their partners had subsequently divorced between four years and six years. (These data emerged from a follow-up study, carried out about six years later, described in detail in the handbook Why marriages succeed or fail: What you can learn from the breakthrough research to make your marriage last by John Gottman).
Disgust is an emotion related to sensory and cognitive repulsion, whereby the person experiencing it tends to move and distance himself from an object (or a person, or a thought expressed by someone) that he considers ‘poisonous’ or contaminating.
The manifestation of this emotion, especially in the sexual sphere, defuses any possible physical attraction towards the partner and drastically cancels libido.
In short, it creates a distance, both physical and mental, between the partners: the couple stops talking and communication gradually becomes poor, superficial and carried out out of duty (and not out of desire or pleasure).
Contempt is linked to a sense of moral superiority over the other, who is seen as ‘less beautiful’, ‘less intelligent’, ‘less deserving’ of our time and attention. Such a relationship creates asymmetry and inequality. It dehumanises the other. The one who despises places himself on a metaphorical ‘higher step’ vis-à-vis the other: one no longer has respect for the person next to him, so the one who feels contempt in the relationship focuses more on his own needs at the expense of the needs expressed by his partner. All harmony is broken.
Contempt and disgust prevent communication, which is not the case in proactive anger (never in violent, destructive anger): the couple discusses and clashes, but the motivation is to remove problems and obstacles. Problems are explained in order to solve them together, and to regain or recreate harmony. John Gottman also defines the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’ that foretell the certain end of a relationship.

THE FIRST HORSE_ THE CRITICAL JUDGMENT REGARDING THE PARTNER.

I will resort to a rhetorical example to show the difference between a welcoming attitude manifesting criticism and a judgmental critical attitude.
– “You are so focused on yourself that you never think about others. Why the heck didn’t you call me! You haven’t forgotten, you just don’t give a damn about me!” (judgmental and critical attitude).
– “I got really scared because it’s late and you didn’t call me. I was afraid something had happened to you, and then we agreed like this, remember? “If I’m late, I’ll call and let you know!” (firm, but welcoming attitude, criticising behaviour).

The SECOND HORSE_ THE PUNGENT SARCASM OF DESPITE

As mentioned above, the one who despises does not consider the other person to be up to his or her own standards and makes him or her the object of ridicule.
– “Oh, poor star… she’s tired and wrecked, she… I guess you’re just exhausted, after a whole day at home… I’ve been “just” going crazy for 16 hours on this project for tomorrow…”

The THIRD HORSE_LET’S PREVENTIVE DEFENSIVE ATTITUDE.

Me: “Did you call Sara and Max about dinner? Did you tell them we can’t make it tonight?”
Partner: “I didn’t have time today, you know I had that important appointment. Well, don’t you have hands? Did aliens steal your phone?“.

We often fear being judged, so we fortify an armour that protects us: a mirror that rejects criticism and sends it back, perhaps with interest.
This attitude is lethal, as it debases the other and promotes not listening.

The FOURTH HORSE_ERIGATE A WALL OR RETREAT.

The couple no longer discusses and confronts in order to solve the problem, but bypasses, postpones or deflects it. This passive-aggressive attitude of ignoring the other on a motivational level is the antechamber to the end. And it soon becomes a dangerous and poisonous habit.
– “We never talk! You are different!”
– “Listen, we’ll talk about this later, OK? They are waiting for me“.
– “But why are you being like this?“. – (Sigh)
– “What have I done now? Enlighten me!“.

Each of these lethal communications annihilates the relationship: it poisons it in the long run, until it kills the couple. Each of them manifests itself fully, through the five possible channels of communication:
– Facial expressions and micro-expressions (raising and joining eyebrows in fear, thinning taut lips in anger, compressing and raising a single corner of the mouth in a sneer of contempt, etc.).
– Body language (postures and postural reactions in response to sudden events, gestures, proxemics and deliberate use of physical and eye contact).
– Fluctuations in voice parameters (harsh and loud voice in anger, high pitched and loud in fear, soft and slow in sadness, etc.).
– The verbal content (what is said by the person, literally).
– The verbal style (pauses, clearing one’s throat, use of slang or jargon that is strictly personal or of one’s culture, etc.).

“We cannot fail to communicate “, goes Paul Watzlawick’s first axiom of communication. With this in mind, even the silence of our interlocutor can communicate in a powerful and precise way: the person is expressing to us their desire not to comment, to isolate themselves or to reflect.
In a world where we often ignore the meanings hidden behind words, it is good to promote active listening and empathy as ways of changing and managing relationships: reading the other person and understanding their emotions, to intervene immediately and at the right time.
Avoid conflict by becoming aware and competent, to learn from scientific research and be able to apply it to everyday life.